Is one of your friends in an abusive relationship? Don’t just stand back and wait – the violence will only get worse. Instead, try to act on some of these tips:
- Get medical attention for a victim if the relationship becomes physically abusive. Don’t let them tell you, “I’m okay” or “It’s just a little (bruise, cut, sprain, etc.). Get a professional to check it out.
- Offer your unconditional friendship and support. Even if you’re thinking your friend is out of their mind to be in this relationship, saying exactly that may further hurt their self-esteem and make them more reliant on the abusive relationship. Instead, talk to them about their strengths. By rebuilding his/her confidence it becomes easier for your friend to envision being on his/her own –OUT of the relationship.
- Be clear that you are there to listen, not to judge. Don’t make the mistake of telling your friend what to do. It’s okay to express concern, make suggestions. But don’t start ordering them around. Encourage them to make their own decision. Your friend is smart for even just acknowledging the abusive behavior.
- Tell your friend it’s not his/her fault. Make it clear to your friend that he/she does NOT deserve this type of treatment. Tell them that such abuse is NEVER acceptable. Remind your friend that you’re there for them, whenever they may need you.
- Don’t be overtly skeptical of what your friend tells you. Dismissing what your friend says will drive him or her away. Listen, accept their perception, but still communicate your concerns.
- Help your friend identify unhealthy behaviors. Give your friend the facts. Point out the things you have noticed about the relationship and the abuser. (For instance, if a partner is always interrupting another, or demeans them.) Use examples. Also tell your friend what changes you’ve seen in his/her behavior. (For instance, not eating, stopping school activities, becoming isolated, wearing baggy clothes, etc.)
- Acknowledge the scariness of dating violence. This is going to be hard to talk about. Be patient and prepared with lots of good information.
- Encourage your friend to build a support system. Suggest that they look at some of the safety plans that are listed in the previous section. This is a good place to start. A wide-reaching support system usually includes parents, teachers, counselors and other friends.
- Don’t gossip about this. If you blab about the abuse to everyone you see, that gossip can get back to the abuser – and can lead to more violence. Be very careful. Your friend may have come to you feeling that they could trust you to keep what they tell you confidential. Make sure you live up to that trust.
- Don’t directly confront the abuser. Don’t even go near the abuser. Avoid any contact with him/her.
- Don’t blame your friend for the abuse. No one deserves or “asks” for abuse. Your friend should never feel like it’s his/her fault.
- Don’t rush. You may think that your friend should understand immediately that they must leave an abusive relationship. But usually it takes time for that realization to be finally internalized. Let your friend go by his/her own timetable. Be there for them, no matter what.
- Don’t make your friend do something. Don’t force your friend to do anything he/she is uncomfortable with. The victim of abuse needs to manage his/her own decisions. It’s okay to be persuasive, but don’t ever get angry or threaten not to be their friends. And don’t ever try to end the relationship for your friend.
- Don’t criticize your friend or his/her partner. This will isolate your friend even more by making them feel they that no one approves and that they have to hide their relationship.
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If your friend needs immediate help, call 911.
If you would like to contact Project PAVE on behalf of your friend, we can be reached several ways.
by phone:
(303) 322-2382
in person:
2051 York Street
Denver, CO 80205
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